LouthMouth

Jed Bartlett's Bible rant

2009-05-06T08:14:00.000-04:00

test

2009-02-14T21:46:00.000-05:00

just checking to see if i can do this from my phone.

Okay, I've decided

2009-01-14T08:36:00.002-05:00

1. I don't like Bluetooth. It used to be that when you saw people wandering around muttering to themselves you could be confident that they were crazy. Or parents. Now they could be talking to their broker or shaman. There's no way to tell.

And it's really embarrassing when you respond to them.

2. I'm not a morning gym person. I went at 7am yesterday morning and while I was not really tired, I felt like I was one step behind. I lost my cell phone too. Someone turned it in, but I have no idea how I did it. I retraced my steps a couple of times, so I probably looked like some sort of lost soul or blue tooth user. Not that I really cared. That's the nice thing about being a certain age. The scope of people you are trying to impress gets much smaller.

Although I am considering buying weight-lifting gloves and I am a little self-conscious that I will look like I am trying to look like a badass rather than a 40 something suburban mom.

3. I'm going to be switching brands of toothpaste. It turns out that I misread the label and it does NOT protect against the plague. I mean, really, what's the point.

So...does "That was cool, thanks" count as a prayer?

2009-01-13T18:18:00.003-05:00

Last Friday (my birthday) I was on my way to work. I pulled out of my development and onto the main drag that takes me to school, office, etc. A Blue Heron flew out of the woods across the street, surprising enough for winter in Buffalo, but he (?) then made a sharp right turn and flew about twenty feet ahead of me, about 30 feet up, the whole 1/4 mile or so to the next intersection. Tres cool.

My first thought was "What a nice birthday gift from God."

My second thought was "I'm going to install a Koi Pond on my roof rack so that happens more often."

About Psychics/Mediums

2009-01-07T08:18:00.003-05:00

This column in the Buffalo News by Rabbi Marc Gellman sums up well how I feel about communicating with the dead.

It's probably not true, but if it is true, we shouldn't be messing with it. Much like Ouija boards. Not sure if it's a silly game or a portal we have no business opening, so I'm not taking any chances.

Weight Loss News - sucks for me

2009-01-07T08:13:00.005-05:00

In a nutshell, diet goes a much longer way in promoting weight loss than exercise. I always find exercise easier than dieting because exercising is adding something, while dieting is taking something away. I'll have to find a way to change that mentality.

New Apple Product

2009-01-07T08:07:00.001-05:00

Apple Introduces Revolutionary New Laptop With No Keyboard

My Wegman's Adventure

2008-10-27T08:30:00.000-04:00

I spilled my full coffee in the cereal aisle.

I grabbed an employee to let him know. When I turned to point to the spill, I smacked a little girl in the face. Hard.

When I got to the checkout, I realized that I did not have my debit card so I had to charge (!) groceries.

I then realized that I didn't have my license either, so the checker had to get a supervisor to come look me over to say that I was legal.

Bang Walmart Palin

2008-09-17T10:17:00.001-04:00

This is the Sarah Palin name generator -- I am Bang Walmart Palin - hah!

I am a little confused at the notion of Walmart being the screwee, though.

http://politsk.blogspot.com/2008/09/sarah_13.html

I'm a Liberal-- what a shock!

2008-09-10T14:02:00.002-04:00

What political party are you?

http://www.theadvocates.org/quizp/index.html

A perfect digital storm

2008-09-06T15:57:00.005-04:00

I linked this blog post about Facebook on my blog and joined the Facebook group for the blog

http://stuffwhitepeoplelike.com/2008/07/31/106-facebook/

Full List of Stuff White People Like
#107 Self Aware Hip Hop References
#106 Facebook
#105 Unpaid Internships
#104 Girls with Bangs
#103 Sweaters
#102 Children’s Games as Adults
#101 Being Offended
#100 Bumper Stickers
#99 Grammar
#98 The Ivy League
#97 Scarves
#96 New Balance Shoes
#95 Rugby
#94 Free Healthcare
#93 Music Piracy
#92 Book Deals
#91 San Francisco
#90 Dinner Parties
#89 St. Patrick’s Day
#88 Having Gay Friends
#87 Outdoor Performance Clothes
#86 Shorts
#85 The Wire
#84 T-Shirts
#83 Bad Memories of High School
#82 Hating Corporations
#81 Graduate School
#80 The Idea of Soccer
#79 Modern Furniture
#78 Multilingual Children
#77 Musical Comedy
#76 Bottles of Water
#75 Threatening to Move to Canada
#74 Oscar Parties
#73 Gentrification
#72 Study Abroad
#71 Being the only white person around
#70 Difficult Breakups
#69 Mos Def
#68 Michel Gondry
#67 Standing Still at Concerts
#66 Divorce
#65 Co-Ed Sports
#64 Recycling
#63 Expensive Sandwiches
#62 Knowing What’s Best for Poor People
#61 Bicycles
#60 Toyota Prius
#59 Natural Medicine
#58 Japan
#57 Juno
#56 Lawyers
#55 Apologies
#54 Kitchen Gadgets
#53 Dogs
#52 Sarah Silverman
#51 Living by the Water
#50 Irony
#49 Vintage
#48 Whole Foods and Grocery Co-ops
#47 Arts Degrees
#46 The Sunday New York Times
#45 Asian Fusion Food
#44 Public Radio
#43 Plays
#42 Sushi
#41 Indie Music
#40 Apple Products
#39 Netflix
#38 Arrested Development
#37 Renovations
#36 Breakfast Places
#35 The Daily Show/Colbert Report
#34 Architecture
#33 Marijuana
#32 Vegan/Vegetarianism
#31 Snowboarding
#30 Wrigley Field
#29 80s Night
#28 Not having a TV
#27 Marathons
#26 Manhattan (now Brooklyn too!)
#25 David Sedaris
#24 Wine
#23 Microbreweries
#22 Having Two Last Names
#21 Writers Workshops
#20 Being an expert on YOUR culture
#19 Traveling
#18 Awareness
#17 Hating their Parents
#16 Gifted Children
#15 Yoga
#14 Having Black Friends
#13 Tea
#12 Non-Profit Organizations
#11 Asian Girls
#10 Wes Anderson Movies
#9 Making you feel bad about not going outside
#8 Barack Obama
#7 Diversity
#6 Organic Food
#5 Farmer’s Markets
#4 Assists
#3 Film Festivals
#2 Religions their parents don’t belong to
#1 Coffee

Target: Women...Yogurt Edition

2008-09-04T11:25:00.001-04:00

The Cheese Shop Sketch

2008-09-04T11:19:00.001-04:00

The Cheese Shop by Monty Python

(a customer walks in the door)

Customer: Good Morning.

Owner: Good morning, Sir. Welcome to the National Cheese Emporium!

Customer: Ah, thank you, my good man.

Owner: What can I do for you, Sir?

Customer: Well, I was, uh, sitting in the public library on Thurmon Street just now, skimming through Rogue Herrys by Hugh Walpole, and I suddenly came over all peckish.

Owner: Peckish, sir?

Customer: Esuriant.

Owner: Eh?

Customer: 'Ee, ah wor 'ungry-loike!

Owner: Ah, hungry!

Customer: In a nutshell. And I thought to myself, "a little fermented curd will do the trick," so, I curtailed my Walpoling activites, sallied forth, and infiltrated your place of purveyance to negotiate the vending of some cheesy comestibles!

Owner: Come again?

Customer: I want to buy some cheese.

Owner: Oh, I thought you were complaining about the bazouki player!

Customer: Oh, heaven forbid: I am one who delights in all manifestations of the Terpsichorean muse!

Owner: Sorry?

Customer: 'Ooo, Ah lahk a nice tuune, 'yer forced too!

Owner: So he can go on playing, can he?

Customer: Most certainly! Now then, some cheese please, my good man.

Owner: (lustily) Certainly, sir. What would you like?

Customer: Well, eh, how about a little red Leicester.

Owner: I'm, a-fraid we're fresh out of red Leicester, sir.

Customer: Oh, never mind, how are you on Tilsit?

Owner: I'm afraid we never have that at the end of the week, sir, we get it fresh on Monday.

Customer: Tish tish. No matter. Well, stout yeoman, four ounces of Caerphilly, if you please.

Owner: Ah! It's beeeen on order, sir, for two weeks. Was expecting it this morning.

Customer: 'T's Not my lucky day, is it? Aah, Bel Paese?

Owner: Sorry, sir.

Customer: Red Windsor?

Owner: Normally, sir, yes. Today the van broke down.

Customer: Ah. Stilton?

Owner: Sorry.

Customer: Ementhal? Gruyere?

Owner: No.

Customer: Any Norweigan Jarlsburg, per chance.

Owner: No.

Customer: Lipta?

Owner: No.

Customer: Lancashire?

Owner: No.

Customer: White Stilton?

Owner: No.

Customer: Danish Brew?

Owner: No.

Customer: Double Goucester?

Owner: (pause) No.

Customer: Cheshire?

Owner: No.

Customer: Dorset Bluveny?

Owner: No.

Customer: Brie, Roquefort, Pol le Veq, Port Salut, Savoy Aire, Saint Paulin, Carrier de lest, Bres Bleu, Bruson?

Owner: No.

Customer: Camenbert, perhaps?

Owner: Ah! We have Camenbert, yessir.

Customer: (suprised) You do! Excellent.

Owner: Yessir. It's..ah,.....it's a bit runny...

Customer: Oh, I like it runny.

Owner: Well,.. It's very runny, actually, sir.

Customer: No matter. Fetch hither the fromage de la Belle France! Mmmwah!

Owner: I...think it's a bit runnier than you'll like it, sir.

Customer: I don't care how fucking runny it is. Hand it over with all speed.

Owner: Oooooooooohhh........! (pause)

Customer: What now?

Owner: The cat's eaten it.

Customer: (pause) Has he.

Owner: She, sir.

Customer: (pause) Gouda?

Owner: No.

Customer: Edam?

Owner: No.

Customer: Case Ness?

Owner: No.

Customer: Smoked Austrian?

Owner: No.

Customer: Japanese Sage Darby?

Owner: No, sir.

Customer: You...do *have* some cheese, don't you?

Owner: (brightly) Of course, sir. It's a cheese shop, sir. We've got--

Customer: No no... don't tell me. I'm keen to guess.

Owner: Fair enough.

Customer: Uuuuuh, Wensleydale.

Owner: Yes?

Customer: Ah, well, I'll have some of that!

Owner: Oh! I thought you were talking to me, sir. Mister Wensleydale, that's my name.

Customer: (pause) Greek Feta?

Owner: Uh, not as such.

Customer: Uuh, Gorgonzola?

Owner: No.

Customer: Parmesan,

Owner: No.

Customer: Mozarella,

Owner: No.

Customer: Paper Cramer,

Owner: No.

Customer: Danish Bimbo,

Owner: No.

Customer: Czech sheep's milk,

Owner: No.

Customer: Venezuelan Beaver Cheese?

Owner: Not *today*, sir, no.

Customer: (pause) Aah, how about Cheddar?

Owner: Well, we don't get much call for it around here, sir.

Customer: Not much ca-- it's the single most popular cheese in the world!

Owner: Not 'round here, sir.

Customer: (slight pause) and what IS the most popular cheese 'round hyah?

Owner: 'Illchester, sir.

Customer: IS it.

Owner: Oh, yes, it's staggeringly popular in this manor, squire.

Customer: Is it.

Owner: It's our number one best seller, sir!

Customer: I see. Uuh...'Illchester, eh?

Owner: Right, sir.

Customer: All right. Okay. 'Have you got any?' he asked, expecting the answer 'no'.

Owner: I'll have a look, sir........nnnnnnnnnnnnnnnno.

Customer: It's not much of a cheese shop, is it?

Owner: Finest in the district!

Customer: (annoyed) Explain the logic underlying that conclusion, please.

Owner: Well, it's so clean, sir!

Customer: It's certainly uncontaminated by cheese....

Owner: (brightly) You haven't asked me about Limburger, sir.

Customer: Would it be worth it?

Owner: Could be....

Customer: Have you --SHUT THAT BLOODY BAZOUKI OFF!

Owner: Told you sir....

Customer: (slowly) Have you got any Limburger?

Owner: No.

Customer: Figures.Predictable, really I suppose. It was an act of purest optimism to have posed the question in the first place. Tell me:

Owner: Yessir?

Customer: (deliberately) Have you in fact got any cheese here at all.

Owner: Yes, sir.

Customer: Really?

(pause)

Owner: No. Not really, sir.

Customer: You haven't.

Owner: Nosir. Not a scrap. I was deliberately wasting your time, sir.

Customer: Well I'm sorry, but I'm going to have to shoot you.

Owner: Right-Oh, sir.

(The customer takes out a gun and shoots the owner)

Customer: What a *senseless* waste of human life.

Sarah Palin's Head

2008-09-02T12:41:00.001-04:00

Seriously, where do you even find someone who can do a proper beehive these days?

French Lesson Fail

2008-09-01T21:43:00.000-04:00

see more pwn and owned pictures

This is from the most raucous and ribald failblog.org

Buffalo Weather

2008-09-01T21:26:00.002-04:00

So...Buffalo weather has gotten a really bad rap. Mostly because of the Blizzard of '77, which was before my (Buffalo) time and a few other freak storms. But really, how bad is it?

Realistically, Buffalo isn't even one of the top 25 coldest cities, and for snow it doesn't even make the top ten, but the reputation persists.

And at least our weather emergencies are of the hunker down and not the cut and run variety.

This is kind of squishy for me, but I like it...

2008-08-08T14:42:00.001-04:00

...so sue me.

Lessons in Life By Regina Brett

To celebrate growing older, I once wrote the 45 lessons life taught me. It is the most requested column I've ever written.

My odometer rolls over to 50 this week, so here's an update:

1. Life isn't fair, but it's still good.

2. When in doubt, just take the next small step.

3. Life is too short to waste time hating anyone.

4. Don't take yourself so seriously. No one else does.

5. Pay off your credit cards every month.

6. You don't have to win every argument. Agree to disagree.

7. Cry with someone. It's more healing than crying alone.

8. It's OK to get angry with God. He can take it.

9. Save for retirement starting with your first paycheck.

10. When it comes to chocolate, resistance is futile.

11. Make peace with your past so it won't screw up the present.

12. It's OK to let your children see you cry.

13. Don't compare your life to others'. You have no idea what their journey is all about.

14. If a relationship has to be a secret, you shouldn't be in it.

15. Everything can change in the blink of an eye. But don't worry; God never blinks.

16. Life is too short for long pity parties. Get busy living, or get busy dying.

17. You can get through anything if you stay put in today.

18. A writer writes. If you want to be a writer, write.

19. It's never too late to have a happy childhood. But the second one is up to you and no one else.

20. When it comes to going after what you love in life, don't take no for an answer.

21. Burn the candles, use the nice sheets, wear the fancy lingerie. Don't save it for a special occasion. Today is special.

22. Over prepare, then go with the flow.

23. Be eccentric now. Don't wait for old age to wear purple.

24. The most important sex organ is the brain.

25. No one is in charge of your happiness except you.

26. Frame every so-called disaster with these words: 'In five years, will this matter? '

27. Always choose life.

28. Forgive everyone, everything.

29. What other people think of you is none of your business.

30. Time heals almost everything. Give time, time.

31. However good or bad a situation is, it will change.

32. Your job won't take care of you when you are sick. Your friends will. Stay in touch.

33. Believe in miracles.

34. God loves you because of who God is, not because of anything you did or didn't do.

35. Whatever doesn't kill you really does make you stronger.

36. Growing old beats the alternative -- dying young.

37. Your children get only one childhood. Make it memorable.

39. Get outside every day. Miracles are waiting everywhere.

40. If we all threw our problems in a pile and saw everyone else's, we'd grab ours back.

41. Don't audit life. Show up and make the most of it now.

42. Get rid of anything that isn't useful, beautiful or joyful.

43. All that truly matters in the end is that you loved.

44. Envy is a waste of time. You already have all you need.

45. The best is yet to come.

46. No matter how you feel, get up, dress up, and show up.

47. Take a deep breath. It calms the mind.

48. If you don't ask, you don't get.

49. Yield.

50. Life isn't tied with a bow, but it's still a gift.

Ipod Shuffle Game redux

2008-07-07T14:51:00.000-04:00

Okay kids, if you haven't played before, hit shuffle on your ipod or other MP3 device and tell everyone the first ten that come up:

The Fashion (Do or Die) - Ill Scarlett
Beat it - Fall Out Boy
Shadow of the day - linkin park
Saints are coming - the skids
Being from Jersey - Cobra Starship
Bridge Burning - Zox
Somewhere out there - Our Lady Peace
Ain't no Room - Vines
True Faith - New Order
How I Disappear - My Chemical Romance

Polar bear

2008-03-26T10:54:00.001-04:00

My Friend Michael took this picture at the Buffalo Zoo

iPod Shuffle Game

2008-03-21T11:01:00.000-04:00

Haven't done this in a while. Hit shuffle on your IPOD or other MP3 device and list the first ten.

Mine:

Dani California - Red Hot Chili Peppers
Blood - My Chemical Romance
Welcome to the Black Parade - MCR
Wake - Linkin Park
Who Knew - Pink
Take Me Out - Franz Ferdinand
Lose Yourself - Eminem
Keep it Simple - Cobra Starship
The Way you Move - Outkast
The Middle - Jimmy Eat World

No Cheating!!!

Bringing Sexy Back

2007-08-23T13:29:00.001-04:00

What I did this weekend

2007-08-20T14:25:00.000-04:00

Oliver!

My Chemical Romance!

Kayaking!

Alli Info

2007-08-14T23:19:00.000-04:00

What more do you need to know?

Bush is smarter than he looks...

2007-08-14T08:56:00.001-04:00

(but then he would have to be, wouldn't he?)

What I'm reading now

2007-08-11T23:42:00.000-04:00

I have been reading Susan Isaacs since I was in high school and she never disappoints (well except Red, White and Blue, but I have forgiven her and moved on.)

Her style is a lot like I think mine would be if I had the wearwithal to complete a book. Minus, of course, the New York Jewish insider references.

Okay, nevermind. My style would be nothing like this.

~Sigh~

What I'm doing with my spare time

2007-08-11T23:40:00.000-04:00

My better half and I bought a couple of these and are spending our time exploring local waterways. A lot of fun, but tiring

Tragic Event Forces Man To Spend Rest Of Life Confined To Office Chair

2007-08-08T15:48:00.000-04:00

Tragic Event Forces Man To Spend Rest Of Life Confined To Office Chair

WILMETTE, IL—The impact of Fahey's employment was so crushing that it has since left the former high school track star paralyzed in front of his work computer.

Middle Ages Tech Support

2007-08-07T22:58:00.001-04:00

No one reads this blog

2007-08-07T09:46:00.000-04:00

I mean this quite literally. I added sitemeter to this over the weekend and scored no hits. Nada. Zip. So if you think you are reading this now, you're not.

Which is cool, because I know I can post naked now and it will be my little secret.

What I am watching

2007-08-05T22:38:00.000-04:00

Funny, funny, funny.

Napoleon Dynamite vibe, but less soporific. Great MC Hammer reference. Random pelvic thrust guy was hysterical.

Scene in the woods was classic.

I'm predicting a cult classic.

Oh, and Samberg is adorable as always

My Soundtrack

2007-07-29T10:21:00.000-04:00

My Soundtrack
Okay…this is cool. I got it from my friend Michael’s blog

Find out what the soundtrack of your life is. Here is mine...odd at best:

Here's how it works:

1. Open your music library (iTunes, Winamp, Media Player, iPod, etc)
2. Put it on shuffle
3. Press play
4. For every question, type the song that's playing
5. When you go to a new question, press the next button
6. NO CHEATING!

Opening Credits:
”Call Me When You’re Sober” - Evanescence

Waking Up:
"Irreplaceable" - Beyonce

First Day of School:
"The Black Parade" – My Chemical Romance

Falling in Love:
"It’s not Your Fault" – New Found Glory

Fight Song:
"It Ends Tonight" – All American Rejects

Breaking Up:
"The Kill" – Thirty Days from Mars

Prom:
"Breathe" – Anna Nalick

Life:
"Kiss From a Rose" - Seal

Mental Breakdown:
"The Middle" – Jimmy Eat World

Driving:
"The Queen and I" – Gym Class Heros

Flashback:
"I will Follow" – U2

Getting Back Together:
"Pain" – Three Day’s Grace

Wedding:
"My Band" – D12

Birth of a Child:
"Comfortably Numb" – Pink Floyd

Final Battle:
"I Don’t Love You" – My Chemical Romance

Death Scene:
“Chasing Cars” – Snow Patrol

Funeral Song:
"Mai" – Josh Groban

End Credits:
"Hold On" – Good Charlotte

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts:

2007-07-27T18:27:00.000-04:00

Things I Am Not Allowed To Do At Hogwarts:
1) The Giant Squid is not an appropriate date to the Yule Ball
2) I am not allowed to sing, "We're Off to See the Wizard" while skipping off to the Headmaster's office
3) I am not allowed to take out a life insurance policy on Harry Potter
4) I am not allowed to ask Dumbledore to show you the pointy hat trick
5) I am not allowed to give Remus Lupin a flea collar
6) I am not allowed to bring a Magic 8 Ball to Divination
7) I am not allowed to say that Seamus Finnegan is "after my lucky charms"
8) I am not allowed to start a betting pool on this years Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher. It's taste-less, tacky, and not a good money-making strategy.
9) I am not allowed to joke about Remus' "time of the month"
10) I am not allowed to make light saber sounds with my wand
11) I am not allowed to give Hagrid Pokemon cards and convince him they're real animals
12) I am not to refer to the Accio charm as "The Force"
13) I am not allowed to claim that growing marijuana or hallucinogenic mushrooms is "Extra Herbology Work"
14) I will not you my socks to make hand-puppets of the Slytherin-House mascot
15) If the thought of a spell makes me giggle for more than 15 seconds, assume that I am not allowed to use it
16) I will not lock the Slytherins and Gryffindors in a room together and bet on which House will come out alive
17) I will not charm the suits of armor to do a rendition of "The Knights of the Round Table" for the Christmas Feast
18) I am not allowed to declare an official "Hug A Slytherni Day"
19) I am not allowed to sing my own personal spy music while wandering the hallways
20) It is not necessary to yell, "BURN!" Whenever Snape takes points away from Gryffindor
21) I will not say the phrase, "Get a Life" to Voldemort
22) First years are not to be fed to Fluffy
23) I will never ask Harry if his Voldie senses are tingling
24) I will stop referring to showering as "Giving Moaning-Myrtle an eyeful"
25) I will not make, "OMGWTF" a spell
26) It is not necessary to yell, "BAM" every time I Apparate
27) I will not steal Gryffindor's sword from Dumbledore's office and use it to patrol the hallways
28) I will not poke Hufflepuffs with spoons, nor shall I insist that their color's indicate that they're "covered in bee's"
29) "I've heard every joke possible about Oliver Wood's name" is not a challenge
30) I will not go to class skyclad
31) I will not use Umbridge's quiz to write, "Told you I was Hard Core"
32) If a class-mate falls asleep, I will not take advantage of that and draw a Dark Mark on their arm
33) House Elves are not acceptable replacements for Bludgers
34) I will not start every potions class by asking Snape if the potion is acceptable as Body Lotion
35) I will not call the Weasley twins, "bookends"
36) I will not call the Patil twins, "bookends"
37) I will not call the Defence Against the Dark Arts teacher Kenny, even if he is wearing an orange anorak
38) There is no such thing as a were-thylacine
39) I will not give Luna Lovegood Coast-To-Coast AM transcripts
40) Tricking a school House Elf to strip of it's clothing does not make it mine. Yes, even when I yell out "PWND!"
41) I do not weigh the same as a Duck
42) I do not have a Daleck Patronous
43) I will not lick Trevor
44) Gryffindor Courage does not come in bottles labeled, "Firewhiskey"
45) I will not dress up as Voldemort on Halloween
46) It is a bad idea to tell Snape he takes himself to seriously
47) I will not tell Sir Cadogan that The Knight's Who Say Ni have challenged him to a duel, then have all the students say, 'Ni' from various directions
48) I am not the King of the Potato People and I do not have a flying carpet
49) "To conquer the Earth with an army of flying monkeys" is not a career choice
50) I will not tell the first years that Professor Snape is the Voice of God

Fo Shizzle

2007-07-26T13:45:00.000-04:00

Okay...who DOESN'T want this on their PC?

What ELSE I'm reading (along with the entire planet)

2007-07-23T08:10:00.001-04:00

Who can resist. I am about 200 pages in after waiting for my 14yo to finish. Books like this, she powers through and then re-reads for detail. The previous books in the series we have replaced 2 or 3 times because she has literally read them to pieces.

My biggest problem right now is that I would like to take my time and savor this book since it is the last one, but the longer it takes, the better the chance that it will be spoiled for me.

What I'm reading

2007-07-23T08:05:00.001-04:00

I'm not through this one yet and I thought it would be a crock. There is some surprisingly good information in here. Good tips on getting things done more effectively, especially by avoiding multitasking, which is counter-intuitive for me. But the focus is getting the important stuff done so that you can go play, rather than a mindless Pajama Game style efficiency expert harping.

Also advice on starting automated businesses. Not sure how feasible it is.

What I'm reading

2007-07-19T16:34:00.001-04:00

Nothing you haven't read before. It's never too late to follow your dreams...blah, blah, blah

Harry Potter & Walmart

2007-07-19T16:25:00.000-04:00

What I'm reading

2007-07-18T19:39:00.000-04:00

Great book for anyone who loves reading, writing or just words. The chapter on plagerism is great. Full of "I thought I was the only one" moments and great words that will make you pull out your dictionary.

Men's Strange Requests

2007-07-06T15:57:00.000-04:00

Harry Potter Proposal

2007-07-06T08:51:00.000-04:00

What Kind of accent do you have

2007-06-28T17:01:00.000-04:00

What American accent do you have? Your Result: Philadelphia Your accent is as Philadelphian as a cheesesteak! If you're not from Philadelphia, then you're from someplace near there like south Jersey, Baltimore, or Wilmington. if you've ever journeyed to some far off place where people don't know that Philly has an accent, someone may have thought you talked a little weird even though they didn't have a clue what accent it was they heard.
The Northeast
The Midland
The Inland North
The South
Boston
The West
North Central
What American accent do you have? Quiz Created on GoToQuiz

Even MORE Demetri

2007-06-13T14:54:00.000-04:00

This is all from www.imdb.com

Demetri Martin: I like parties, but I don't like pinatas because pinatas promote violence toward flamboyant animals.

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Demetri Martin: I like parties, but I don't like piñatas because the pinata promotes violence against flamboyant animals. Hey, there's a donkey with some pizzazz. Let's kick its ass. What I'm trying to say is, don't make the same Halloween costume mistake that I did.

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Demetri Martin: Employee of the month is a good example of how somebody can be both a winner and a loser at the same time.

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Demetri Martin: I went into a deli and got an egg sandwich and a hot chocolate. And then I went outside and I had to get a cab, so I had to put up one of my hands. But I already started eating my sandwich; I took it out of the bag, I was impatient. So my choice was hold up an egg sandwich or hold up a hot chocolate to get a car. So I chose the hot chocolate. And I put it up there and no cab stopped and I realized it was because I looked like I was toasting traffic. Standing on the street, 'Here's to you guys, to everybody heading west, I just wanna say I like what you do... but one of you needs to stop, pick me up.'

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Demetri Martin: I wrapped my Christmas presents early this year, but I used the wrong paper. See, the paper I used said 'Happy Birthday' on it. I didn't want to waste it so I just wrote 'Jesus' on it.

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Demetri Martin: I wonder what the most intelligent thing ever said was that started with the word 'dude.' 'Dude, these are isotopes.' 'Dude, we removed your kidney. You're gonna be fine.' 'Dude, I am so stoked to win this Nobel Prize. I just wanna thank Kevin, and Turtle, and all my homies.'

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Demetri Martin: 'Sort of' is such a harmless thing to say. Sort of. It's just a filler. Sort of - it doesn't really mean anything. But after certain things, sort of means everything. Like after 'I love you' or 'You're going to live' or 'It's a boy.'

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Demetri Martin: I got some new pajamas with pockets in 'em. Which is great, because before that, I used to have to hold stuff when I slept. But now I'm like, 'Where's my planner? There it is. "Keep sleeping." All right, perfect.'

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Demetri Martin: I think that when you get dressed in the morning, sometimes you're really making a decision about your behavior for the day. Like if you put on flipflops, you're saying: 'Hope I don't get chased today.' 'Be nice to people in sneakers.'

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Demetri Martin: I went into a clothing store, and the lady asked me what size I was. I said, 'Actual'. I'm not to scale.

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Demetri Martin: I like clothes, you know. I dig fabrics. One of my favorite clothing patterns is camouflage. Because when you're in the woods it makes you blend in. But when you're not it does just the opposite. It's like, 'Hey, there's an asshole.' But when you're in the woods you're like, 'Is there an asshole out here?' They look like trees.

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Demetri Martin: I think vests are all about protection. You know what I mean? Like a lifevest protects you from from drowning and bulletproof vests protect you from getting shot and the sweatervest protects you from pretty girls. 'Leave me alone. Can't you see I'm cold just right here?'

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Demetri Martin: I went into a clothes store and a lady came up to me and said "if you need anything, I'm Jill". I've never met anyone with a conditional identity before.

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Demetri Martin: I was in a store and I saw a pocket dictionary and that made me laugh because it's such... a specific item. I don't know that many words and I'm going out... and I have pants. Perfect!

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Demetri Martin: I like to use 'I Can't Believe it's Not Butter' on my toast in the morning, because sometimes when I eat breakfast, I like to be incredulous. How was breakfast? Unbelievable.

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Demetri Martin: I like fruit baskets because it gives you the ability to mail someone a piece of fruit without appearing insane. Like, if someone just mailed you an apple you'd be like 'Huh? What the hell is this?', but if it's in a fruit basket you're like 'This is nice!.'

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Demetri Martin: I feel stupid when I write the word banana. Its like, how many na's are on this thing? 'Cause I'm like 'Bana... keep going. Bananana... damn.'

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Demetri Martin: I was making pancakes the other day and a fly flew into the kitchen. And that's when I realized that a spatula is a lot like a fly-swatter. And a crushed fly is a lot like a blueberry. And a roommate is a lot like a fly eater.

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Demetri Martin: My favorite fruit is grapes. Because with grapes, you always get another chance. 'Cause, you know, if you have a crappy apple or a peach, you're stuck with that crappy piece of fruit. But if you have a crappy grape, no problem - just move on to the next. 'Grapes: The Fruit of Hope.'

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Demetri Martin: My plumbing is all screwed up. Because it turns out, I do not own a garbage disposal.

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Demetri Martin: I think they named the orange before the carrot.

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Demetri Martin: I was stuck in traffic and I looked in the mirror and in the car behind me there was a couple having a horrible argument and right below their image it said "Objects In Mirror Are Closer Than They Appear". I just thought, man I hope so because she was pretty mad.

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Demetri Martin: A lot of people don't like bumper stickers. I don't mind bumper stickers. To me a bumper sticker is a shortcut. It's like a little sign that says 'Hey, let's never hang out.'

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Demetri Martin: A drunk driver is very dangerous. So is a drunk backseat driver if he's persuasive. 'Dude make a left.' 'Those are trees... ' 'Trust me.'

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Demetri Martin: I like birthdays because we celebrate life with cakes. It's so cool. Sometimes when I see a baby, I'm like that much more cake in the world. But then when someone dies, I'm like the cake streak is over...

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Demetri Martin: About a month ago I got a cactus. A week later, it died. I was really depressed because I was like 'Damn! I am less nurturing than a desert.'
[Ladies, that's not true]

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Demetri Martin: My friend Steve likes cats. People are always saying "Oh, Steve's really a cat person". No he's not. If Steve were a cat person it'd be, like, "Hey, Steve never goes in the pool".

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Demetri Martin: I noticed that there are no B batteries. I think that's to avoid confusion, cause if there were you wouldn't know if someone was stuttering. 'Yes, hello I'd like some b-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries.' 'What kind?' 'B-batteries!' and D-batteries that's hard for foreigners. 'Yes, I would like de batteries.'

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Demetri Martin: One of my friends has a stutter and a lot of people think that's a bad thing, but to me that's just like starting certain words with a drum roll. That's not an impediment, that's suspense! What's he going to say? Car?... or Carnival?... Carburetor? Man...

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Demetri Martin: I was seeing this girl and she wanted to get more serious. But I wasn't ready to, I had just gotten out of a difficult relationship before that. So I said to her, 'Listen, you have to understand something. Relationships are like eyebrows. It's better when there's a space between them.' And that's coming from a Greek guy.

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Demetri Martin: I like sports; I like professional football. I like to get to the stadium and see the games live, you know. And I paint my chest before I leave the house. But I don't have many friends, you know, so I usually just do punctuation and tack on a group already in progress. But sometimes it works out kind of weird because we ended up on TV one time and it said 'JETS?'

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Demetri Martin: Canoe + waterfall = I don't go camping anymore.

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Demetri Martin: Swimming is a confusing sport, because sometimes you do it for fun, and other times you do it to not die. And when I'm swimming, sometimes I'm not sure which one it is. I gotta go by the outfit. Pants - uh oh. Bathing suit - okay. Naked - we'll see. Should I be swimming faster, or am I getting laid?

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Demetri Martin: I think it's interesting that 'cologne' rhymes with 'alone.'

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Demetri Martin: I wanna make a jigsaw puzzle that's 40,000 pieces. And when you finish it, it says 'go outside.'

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Demetri Martin: Saying 'I'm sorry' is the same as saying 'I apologize.' Except at a funeral.

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Demetri Martin: I have a jar at home, and I put pennies in it whenever I curse. The other day I spilled the jar. I owe it about $25.

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Demetri Martin: If I have to move up in a building, I choose the elevator over the escalator. Because one time I was riding the escalator and I tripped. I fell down the stairs for an hour and a half.

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Demetri Martin: They say that you can tell man apart from other animals by his ability to reason. I think you could also go by last names. What's his name? Patches? Patches what? That's a dog. Don't waste my time.

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Demetri Martin: Some jokes are short and elegant, like a mathematical proof or a midget in a ballgown.

More Demitri Martin

2007-06-13T14:52:00.000-04:00

Demetri Martin: 'Cotton balls' is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. 'Cinnamon buns', on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'

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Demetri Martin: I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job / girlfriend / pretzel.

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Demetri Martin: The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

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Demetri Martin: I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.'

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Demetri Martin: If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.
[cue card of bird with 4 wings saying 'I'm awkward']

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Demetri Martin: I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there's a note saying 'I'm standing right behind you.'

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Demetri Martin: The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

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Demetri Martin: I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped!... but enjoying the music".

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Demetri Martin: I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then Í said, "Does he bite?". She said "No." And I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?... Liar."

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Demetri Martin: A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"

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Demetri Martin: When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

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Demetri Martin: Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

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Demetri Martin: I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

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Demetri Martin: When I was young I was really into sports. But then I realised you could buy trophies. So now I'm good at everything.

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Demetri Martin: I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.

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Demetri Martin: I was at a party, and I saw a guy with a leather jacket, and I thought, 'That's cool'. Then I saw a guy with a leather vest and I thought, 'That's not cool'. It was then that I realized what coolness is all about... leather sleeves.
[turns page on drawing pad to reveal the phrase "I OWN LEATHER SLEEVES."]

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Demetri Martin: There's a small but important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

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Demetri Martin: Dolphins are considered friendly animals, but I bet some of them are real jerks.

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Demetri Martin: I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".

"Area Woman's Entire Day Ruined By Bangs"

2007-06-06T19:23:00.000-04:00

From The Onion:

Area Woman's Entire Day Ruined By Bangs

Conspicuous Consumption

2007-06-01T10:38:00.000-04:00

How pathologically self-absorbed would you need to be to wantonly travel the globe with a drug resistant communicable disease?

Lost Recaps

2007-05-30T08:12:00.001-04:00

The most hysterical Lost Recap Blog

Crack Squirrels (I kid you not)

2007-05-25T08:05:00.000-04:00

Original URL: http://www.theregister.co.uk/2005/10/10/london_squirrel_terror/

Crack-crazed squirrels terrorise South London
By Lester Haines
Published Monday 10th October 2005 09:56 GMT
Stop us if you've heard this one: crack-addicted squirrels are terrorising Brixton in Sarf London in a desperate search for a fix, eschewing their traditional nuts and digging up residents' front gardens in what appears to be a credible zoological threat to the Yardies' hard-drug hegemony.

Yup, crack dealers and addicts have apparently taken to burying their stashes in people's gardens in the streets around the centre of Brixton after a police clampdown drove them from the thriving commercial heart of the popular London district. Locals have spotted squirrels digging in the same gardens, prompting speculation that they are already addicted to rocks and will in due course take up semi-automatic weapons and launch a violent challenge for the whole trade in illicit narcotics, as is the local custom.

One fearful resident, who asked not to be named, told Life Style Extra: "I was chatting with my neighbour who told me that crack users and dealers sometimes use my front garden to hide bits of their stash. An hour earlier I'd seen a squirrel wandering round the garden, digging in the flowerbeds. It looked like it knew what it was looking for. It was ill-looking and its eyes looked bloodshot but it kept on desperately digging. It was almost as if it was trying to find hidden crack rocks."

The RSPCA said it had no reports of the "Brixton Crack Squirrel", but did not completely dismiss the idea. A spokeswoman said: "We have not had any dealers reporting the theft of their stash by squirrels but the animal is attracted by smell and if it detects something it likes it will dig it up. If a squirrel did open a bag of crack and start consuming it there is no doubt it would die pretty quickly. I suspect that nobody has reported it because they are a wild animal and when they are found dead no-one cares."

That's right - just another junkie off the streets, permanently.

But hold a minute: this fearful tale bears an uncanny resemblance to reports knocking about on the internet of similar cocaine-fuelled squirrels menacing New York and Washington DC. Urban myth or chilling portent? After all, it's a small step from crack squirrels to flocks of PCP-demented pigeons descending Hitchcock-style on the World's major centres of population. Consider yourselves warned. ®

Related stories

I have a fever

2007-05-17T23:25:00.000-04:00

and the only cure is

more cowbell!

Demitri Martin

2007-05-11T21:36:00.000-04:00

I love this dude

Total Cat Replacement

2007-05-08T12:51:00.000-04:00

Sick but funny.

How True...

2007-05-07T08:21:00.000-04:00

How true...

I can't wait til I have a job with this kind of leisure time...

2007-05-06T17:38:00.000-04:00

http://www.buffalonews.com/182/story/69516.html

Okay, this is wrong on so many levels...

2007-05-06T17:36:00.000-04:00

"Prague today is a far cry from the Prague of Franz Kafka, who died in 1924 of tuberculosis. In Kafka’s day, Prague was a city of shadows and threats, especially in its Jewish ghetto. Today it is a tourist Mecca where you can take a Kafka tour, buy a Kafka T-shirt, eat at the Kafkateria, or have your hair done at the Metamorphosis Beauty Salon. Both Pragues can now be seen as furiously cross-hatched ink drawings in the book “Kafka,” written by dramatist David Zane Mairowitz and brilliantly illustrated by comics artist Robert Crumb, best known as the pioneer of underground comics and inventor of such products of American bad acid as Snoid, Flakey Foont, Eggs Ackly, Fritz the Cat and Mister Natural."

http://www.buffalonews.com/201/story/69663.html

Kafkateria? Really?

This movie never gets old

2007-05-02T21:15:00.000-04:00

A jive to English Dictionary is always handy.

A day at the Office

2007-05-01T21:42:00.000-04:00

I love this show:

Happy Mission Accomplished Day!

2007-05-01T08:05:00.000-04:00

Today is the forth Anniversary of the day that Bush declared an end to major combat operations in Iraq.

http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Mission_Accomplished

Possibly the best commercial I have ever seen

2007-04-30T10:34:00.000-04:00

I guess eharmony is not for everyone:

http://www.youtube.com/watch?v=NgxOhG2nDOA

Stolen from the blog of another...

2007-04-30T08:14:00.000-04:00

Weird, but fun...give it a shot:

http://www.10mg.nl/

Anna Nicole Smith's mother loses her appeal

2007-04-27T18:47:00.001-04:00

according to Yahoo.

Funny, I would have guessed that she lost her appeal YEARS ago.

There may be hope for this country yet

2007-04-27T08:10:00.000-04:00

I watched the Democratic debate last night.

Whether you agree with the politics or not, how cool is it that we finally have a woman, a black and a hispanic in the running?

Although I can't help contrasting that with the Parade of WASPS that will be taking place in Whiteytown next week.

My date with Lord Stanley

2007-04-20T23:31:00.000-04:00

How cool is this?

Wouldn't this be the coolest thing ever? (Warning: Nerdy)

2007-04-19T16:54:00.001-04:00

If a plane containing the entire cast of The Office crash landed on the Lost island.

Can you just picture Dwight in survivalist mode?

Technorati

2007-04-19T07:43:00.001-04:00

You can find me there now as well

Technorati Profile

A watched pot

2006-11-16T22:33:00.000-05:00

never boils, but neither does a kettle that you forget to turn on...sigh.

Apparently, people are not going hungry anymore according to the Department of Agriculture. The word "hunger" is not scientifically accurate.

The new term is "very low food security".

You can't make this stuff up.

Celebrity Jeopardy

2006-11-15T22:03:00.000-05:00

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to "Celebrity Jeopardy". Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I'd like to ask our contestants once again to please refrain from using ethnic slurs. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new "Jeopardy" record with -$230,000.

Sean Connery: You think you're pretty smart, don't you, Trebek? What with your Drago mustache and your greasy hair!

Alex Trebek: Look, what did I just say about ethnic slurs? From "3rd Rock From the Sun", French Stewart in second place with -$17,000.

French Stewart: I'm a late bloomer, Alex, and in Double Jeopardy, I'm gonna bloom!

Alex Trebek: Sure you will. And finally, back again, Burt Reynolds in a commanding lead with $14.

Burt Reynolds: Hey. Hey, ah.. check out the podium. Look at this.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson. It's a funny name.

Alex Trebek: Great. Let's take a look at the final board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables"; "Sharp Things"; "Movies That Start with the Word Jaws"; "A Petit Déjeuner" - that category is about French phrases, so let's just skip it.

Burt Reynolds: Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You're an assbite, pardon my French. [ does a quick laugh ]

French Stewart: My name's French!

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, who gives a damn?

Alex Trebek: Moving on.. "Animal Sounds"; "Condiments"; and finally, "Your Ass or a Hole in the Ground". Mr. Reynolds, unfortunately you're in the lead, so we'll start with you.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I'll take the condom thing for, uh.. eight thou.

Alex Trebek: That's "Condiments". For $400. "This condiment is made from mustard seeds". [ Stewart buzzes in ]

French Stewart.French Stewart: The answer, of course, is onions. I'll take "Condiments" for $800, thank you.. [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: That's not the right answer. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: That's not my name.

Alex Trebek: Okay. Turd Ferguson.

Burt Reynolds: [ laughs ] Yeah, what do ya want?

Alex Trebek: You buzzed in!

Burt Reynolds: No I didn't.

Alex Trebek: Yes you did!

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, that's your opinion.

Alex Trebek: I hate my job. The answer was "mustard". Mustard is made from mustard seeds. Mr. Reynolds, it's still your board.B

Burt Reynolds: Yeah well, why don't you give me, ah.. why don'tcha give me Ape Tit for $200.

Alex Trebek: It's not "Ape Tit." It's A Petit.. [ shakes head ] ..never mind! Let's just go to "Animal Sounds" for $600. This is the sound a doggy makes. [ Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Moo. [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: Well, that's the sound your mother made last night! [ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Okay, that's not necessary. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Who is, ah, Scooby Doo? [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: No.

Burt Reynolds: That was a funny dog, Scooby Doo. He drove around in a van and, ah, solved mysteries.

Alex Trebek: That is incorrect.

Burt Reynolds: No, that's correct. I remember he had a pal, Scrappy Doo.

Alex Trebek: No. [ Stewart buzzes in ] French Stewart, the sound a dog makes.

French Stewart: Um.. [ breathes ] ..who is John Caffney and the Beaver Brown Band, thank you very much, I'll take Animal Sounds for $800 please.. [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: No! Good Lord! We would've accepted "bow-wow" or "ruff"!

Sean Connery: Ah, ruff. Just the way your mother likes it Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Come on, that's way out of line, but.. [ Reynolds walks up to Trebek wearing a large hat ] Mr. Reynolds, what are you doing?

Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha! Yeah, I found this backstage, an over-sized hat. It's funny.

Alex Trebek: No, it's not!

Burt Reynolds: Sure it is. It's funny. It's funny because it's ah, bigger than, ah.. [ clears throat ] ..you know, a normal hat.

Alex Trebek: Uh, I see that. Get back to your podium.

Burt Reynolds: [ laughs ] Take a look at that!

Alex Trebek: Yeah, I see it. Go back to your podium. [ Reynolds goes back to his podium ] It's not funny. What's going on? Okay, let's just move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is.. you know what? I tell you what, just write a number. Any number, any number and you win. [ music starts ] We'll accept any number, any number at all.. a one, or a two, or a three, or how about a four? It's that simple, I know you can do this. [ music ends ] Let's start with French Stewart, who's grinning like an idiot. You look pretty sure of yourself. Think you've got the right answer?

French Stewart: Yes, I'm pretty sure of it, Alex.

Alex Trebek: Well, all you had to do was write down a number. And you wrote.. [ shows Stewart's screen ] ..Threeve. A combination of three and five. [ Stewart nods ] Simply stunning. And you wagered.. [ shows his wager ] ..Texas with a dollar sign in front of it. I'm speechless.

French Stewart: No, I did not get the answer from anyone else, it all came from Mr. Stewart's noggin.. [ points at his head ] ..up here.

Alex Trebek: That's beautiful. Mr. Reynolds..

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, don't bother, I didn't write anything.

Alex Trebek: Good work, all right. Finally, Mr. Connery.. the category was Numbers, and you wrote.. [ shows his screen ] ..a letter V. Well, I tell you what, my friend - V is a Roman numeral, so despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let's see what you wagered.. [ wager is revealed to use the V as part of a K in "Suck it Trebek" ] "Suck it Trebek". [ Connery laughs wildly ] That's all the time we have. Good night, my.. [ Reynolds places over-sized hat on Trebek's head ] Would you get that off of me? [ pulls it off his own head ][ fade out ]

Dead Parrot Sketch

2006-11-15T21:58:00.000-05:00

(From Monty Python)

The cast:
MR. PRALINE John Cleese SHOP OWNER Michael Palin
The sketch:
A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...
(owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got a slug.
(pause)
Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Praline: Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

Pete Schweddy

2006-11-15T21:37:00.000-05:00

Pete Schweddy (from SNL)

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I'm Margaret Jo McCullen.

Lynn Vershad: And I'm Lynn Vershad.

Together: And you're lsitening to.. The Delicious Dish.. on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, listeners, don't adjsut your radio sets, you heard right. Teri Rialto has left to persue her dream of opening up a yogurt factory. We're real proud of her, and we're going to miss her. But we have a new co-host here on the Delicious Dish, and she's a real firecracker. Say hi, Lynn.

Lynn Vershad: [ shyly ] Hi.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, those of you listening in northeast Minnesota already know Lynn, from her last show "Use Your Noodle". Such a groundbreaking show, Lynn, I loved it.
Lynn Vershad: Oh, thank you.

Margaret Jo McCullen: You're welcome.

Lynn Vershad: You know, Wayzana Tribune called it the "most innovative public-supporterd pasta-related radio cooking show since Get Ready, Get Set, Spaghetti!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Absolutely, ditto to that, we were really lucky to steal you away, Lynn!

Lynn Vershad: Well, I really felt like I had taken pasta as far as it would go.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I know what you mean. I got so burned out on dried figs in the late 80's, that I've never ogne back.

Lynn Vershad: I'm so, so sorry.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It's okay. It's neat.

Lynn Vershad: Fun, yeah.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times. Dried fruit.

Lynn Vershad: Yeah. Well, M.J., Spring has sprung, and that mean the return of the great American pasttime - baseball.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, no baseball season would be complete without the culinary traditions of the ballpark.

Lynn Vershad: Mmm, that's right, M.J. And joining us to talk about them is someone whom I understand is an old friend of the Delicious Dish - Mr. Pete Scweddy. [ Pete takes his seat behind the microphone ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Pete. Welcome back. Pete Schweddy: Hi, there.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Pete, I hear that the only thing you love more than cooking, is the great game of baseball.

Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes. Sometimes, when I'm in the stands, I get so fired up and out of control, I've been known to boo the other team.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooh.. I'd want to steer clear of that. Pete Schweddy: For sure.

Lynn Vershad: Now, Pete, you've gained quite a reputation as the king of stadium-cooked cuisine.

Pete Schweddy: That's right. I'm proud to say I've won great acclaim for my takes on popcorn, crackerjacks, and pretzel bread. But I think what I am most known for is my weiner.

Margaret Jo McCullen: your weiner. Wow. You don't say. Pete Schweddy: I sure do. Would you like to see it?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Please. Please. [ Pete pulls out a tray of weiners ] Wow..

Pete Schweddy: Is that some weiner, or what?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah, it's a doozy, Pete.

Lynn Vershad: Now, is that a foot-long, or..?

Pete Schweddy: [ chuckles ] You flatter me!

Margaret Jo McCullen: I have to say, Pete, that's a very thick one, too.

Pete Schweddy: I'd have to say it's almost as thick as it is long.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, I can smell your wiener from here.

Pete Schweddy: Well, that is thanks to the Schweddy Family recipe. There's no escaping the aroma of a Schweddy Family weiner.

Lynn Vershad: It, um.. it really does glistne, doesn't it?

Pete Schweddy: Uh, yeah, it's the weiners folks can't seem to keep out of their mouthes.

Lynn Vershad: Well, then I bet it's a big hit with the kids.

Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes, indeed. There's nothing quite like the look on a child's face the moment he gets a hold of his own Schweddy weiner. [ call lines start to light up ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Lynn. the switchboard's really lighting up! We'll take your calls in a moment. But, first, I want to get my mouth around that weiner!

Pete Schweddy: Be my guest. Both of you ladies please have a go at it. [ Margaret Jo and Lynn grab a Schweddy weiner ]

Lynn Vershad: Hmm.. I'm not sure I can handle this much meat..

Pete Schweddy: Well, you really don't have to put the whole thing in your mouth at once.

Lynn Vershad: Maybe we can cut it half?

Pete Schweddy: I'd rather you didn't!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Pete, this peiner.. [ stifles her laughter ] A little verbal diarrhea.. This weiner's so plump and firm. The weiners I'm accustomed to are usually wrinkled and grey. The phones are relaly going crazy - is it okay if we take a call?

Pete Schweddy: Oh, be my guest.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Okay. [ presses call button ] Delicious Dish. You're on the air.

Lynn Vershad: Do you have a question for Pete Schweddy?

Caller: [ breathing heavily ] Yeah! Tell me about your weiner, Pete!

Pete Schweddy: Well, what would you like to know?

Caller: Do you touch it!

Pete Schweddy: Well, sure, I'm very hands-on with the famous Schweddy weiner. Caller: Are you touching it now!

Pete Schweddy: Uh.. no, I'm not. The ladies are enjoying my weiner right now, actually. Any other waurions?

Caller: [ moans exuberantly ] Nooooooo, I'm all done..! Thanks..! [ hangs up ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, thanks for calling.

Lynn Vershad: [ eating the weiner ] Mmm.. I just can't keep your weiner out of my mouth.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Mmm-mmm.. it's delicious!

Lynn Vershad: [ starts choking on the weiner ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Pete Schweddy: What's wrong?

Margaret Jo McCullen: I think Lynn's gagging on your weiner..

Pete Schweddy: Bend her over! Ben her over!

Margaret Jo McCullen: [ pushes Lynn forward ] Just relax your throat, Lynn! Just relax!

Pete Schweddy: [ pats Lynn's back ] Let it slide out. [ Lynn cough the weiner out of her throat ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: You alright?

Lynn Vershad: Boy.. that was scary for a minute.. but.. if I had to gag on a weiner, I'm glad it was yours, Pete.

Pete Schweddy: Well, I'm glad my Schwddy weiner didn't disappoint you.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, that's all the time we have here on the Delicious Dish. Join us next week, when our guest will be..

Together: Freddie S. and his Donut Holes!

Top Ten Rejected Titles For "Brokeback Mountain"

2006-11-15T21:35:00.000-05:00

Top Ten Rejected Titles For "Brokeback Mountain" (from the only part of letterman worth watching)
10. "Not-That-There's-Anything-Wrong-With-That Mountain"
9. "How The West Was Hung"
8. "Little Bathhouse on the Prairie"
7. "For a Few Dollars More We Can Make It a Threesome"
6. "Go West, Young Man...Now South...A Little More To The South...Oh God, Yes! Right There!"
5. "Clint Eastwood's Nightmare"
4. "The Good, The Bad and the Fabulous!"
3. "Broke My Back Mounting Him"
2. "Oklahomo"
1. "Fun With Dick In James"

Eyeball Surgery (Lasik)

2005-07-04T07:57:00.000-04:00

Per request, here is my recent experience with laser eye surgery.

I've been thinking about getting this surgery for years. I started wearing glasses in college and my eyes progressively got worse until I was completely dependent on them. My right eye was the worst. Pre-surgery, all I could see on the eye chart was that big "E" at the top. I was afraid, however for several reasons:

1. I'm generally a chicken.
2. I am a big reader and could not imagine having to live without it, if my site was irrepairably damaged.
3. C'mon, they are slicing open your eyeballs.
4. The technology is relatively new.
5. I thought I should be thankful that my vision could at least be corrected with contacts or glasses. I should be grateful for what I have.

However, the irritation factor was getting the best of me. I couldn't watch tv in bed, rain was really irritating and I have always hated the sensation of looking through glass and seeing the frames in my peripheral vision. Also my contacts were not working well for me. I had trouble changing focus when I wore them at work so I only wore them on the weekends. My vision had gotten so bad, that I felt almost panicky when I woke up in the morning. In fact I nearly had to have my daughter help me find my glasses one morning because I couldn't see to look for them.

My husband had his done first. He was tired of getting banged up in sports. I could tell you how many major scrapes he got across the bridge of his nose, etc. from playing basketball. He had his done last year and could not have been happier.

So in April, I call to make an appointment to see if I was a candidate. I had by doubts because if the asigmatism, but they said that they can usually correct for it and asked if I also wanted to make my surgical appointment. So, My eval appointment was on Monday and I set the surgery for 11:00 on Thursday, never thinking that it was really going to happen. The eval took much longer that I thought. Must have been about 2 hours. They weren't working on me that whole time, there was a lot of questions, waiting ( they use both dialating and numbing drops at different points, so I had a lot of sitting around waiting for them to take effect, annoying, because I usually read when I am waiting so I was bored out of my mind). I think some of the tests, like pressure readings etc, involve touching the eyeballs, but you never felt anything because of the numbing drops. Oh and I am one of those people who require multiple attempts for glaucoma tests because I can never keep my eyes open. But it really wasn't bad. They said I was good to go and put plugs in my tearducts. Sounds bad, but it was really no big deal. The have these things that look like a cat's whisker (but much shorter!) and they insert them into your tearduct. It helps to keep your own natural lubrication in your eyes and they dissolve on their own within 2 months or so. So I figured if I went through all that okay, I should be fine for the surgery. At this point, I really went from being scared to being excited.

The day of the surgery. They tell you to drink a lot of water prior to the surgery and the first week after. As weight watchers, we are already doing that, so no big deal. There are no dietary restrictions or anything beforehand. The only thing they tell you is to wear something comfy and no eye makeup. I come in, they take my blood pressure and offer a 1/2 a valium. I take it, but I don't really notice any difference and I am as nervous as all getout.

They put your hair into a hairnet & walk you into a room. there is a long, low padded table and where your head goes there is a sort of device, with bright light shining from it, a doctor and at least a couple of nurses. I laid down on the table and they put about a thousand drops in my eyes and told me to blink, blink, blink. The then put a clamp in my eye to hold it open (not fun, but bearable) and told me to hold still and look at a dot of light. It's all computerized, so they can't screw it up. If you are not looking at it right, it shuts off. You can't see anything out of that eye for a couple of seconds (there is an odd smell, though) and then they flush your eye out some more. You can see the doc cleaning your eye with a brush or something, but you can't feel anything, which is a little odd. Then they do the same for the other eye.

My son drove me home after. I felt a little shaky, but I never felt a thing and I could immediately see. I mean in the operating room, I could see the clock as soon as they were done that I could not see before. For the first little while, maybe a half hour or so, it feels like you are underwater because of all the drops. My appt was at 11:00 am and I was home by quarter to 12, that's how quick it is.

I went home and lay down for a couple of hours (they tell you to sleep, but I couldn't). My eyes were really watery and felt really tired, like I had been up all night, but there was absolutely no pain or irritation. I got up at 2 and could read the little CNN ticker; I was so excited! By 3, I felt like I could have gone back to work.

I drove myself for a followup the next am (vision 20/20) and then to work. There is a week of tons of drops and you have to be really careful with showering, etc., but all over, no problems. There is also a one week checkup and a one month checkup, my vision was 20/15 at my one-month. It was great.

Also, they tell you that they can tweak it, no charge for up to a year if you are not satisfied. Before I had it done, I though, they better get it right, because I'm not doing this more than once, but now I would do it without hesitation.

Let me know if you have any questions!

This is either really cool...

2005-05-24T13:24:00.000-04:00

Or the end of civilization as we know it...

http://www.nbc.com/nbc/Hit_Me_Baby/

First Ladies

2005-05-19T15:59:00.000-04:00

What does it say about the men we elect as president, that we ask ourselves, regarding the last two first ladies, "What was she thinking?!"

Links:

2005-05-19T12:56:00.000-04:00

http://www.borowitzreport.com/

http://www.theonion.com/

Ballad of Big Bad Irving

2005-05-19T11:42:00.000-04:00

He was short and fat, and rode out of the West
With a Mogen David on his silver vest.
He was mean and nasty right clear through,
Which was kinda weird, 'cause he was yellow too.

They called him Irving.
Big Irving.
Big, short Irving.
Big, short, fat Irving.
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.

He came from the old Bar Mitzvah spread,
With a 10-gallon yarmulke on his head.* [see below]
He always followed his mother's wishes,
Even on the range he used two sets of dishes.

Irving.
Big, fat Irving.
Big sissy Irving.
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.

A hundred and forty-one could draw faster than he,
But Irving was looking for one forty-three.
Walked into Sol's Saloon like a man insane,
And ordered three fingers of two cents plain.

Irving.
Big, fat Irving.
Big sport Irving.
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.

----------------[The following lines were edited out of the original release, and are only inthe version available on Dr. Demento's 20th Anniversary Collection.]

One day Bad Max happened into town.
His aim was to shoot fat Irving down.
Bad Max said, "Draw, and draw right now!"
And Irving drew, drew a picture of a cow.

Irving.
Big, fat Irving.
Big gunfighter Irving.
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.

The James Boys was comin' on a train at first sun,
And the town said, "Irving, we need your gun.
"When that train pulled in at the break of dawn,
Irving's gun was there, but Irving was gone.

Irving.
Big, fat Irving.
Big help, Irving.
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.

Well, finally Irving got three slugs in the belly.
It was right outside the Frontier Deli.
He was sittin' there twirlin' his gun around,
And butterfingers Irving gunned himself down!

Irving.
Big, fat Irving.
Big dum-dum Irving.
Big dum-dum dead Irving.
The hundred and forty-second fastest gun in the West.
Really.

Kudzu

2005-05-18T19:47:00.000-04:00

According to a McLean Hospital study, kudzu has been found to help prevent binge drinking. I wonder how it works? Do they store the liquor in the swamp so that the drinker has to hack his way through the Kudzu to get to it?

Quotes

2005-05-18T12:58:00.000-04:00

What if there were no hypothetical questions?

Teresa Heinz Kerry apologized for saying that Laura Bush never held a real job, noting that for the past twenty-seven years Mrs. Bush has worked with the mentally impaired.

Sarchasm: The gulf between the author of sarcastic wit and the person who doesn't get it.