More Demitri Martin

Demetri Martin: 'Cotton balls' is an example of something I would buy, but not want to have as a nickname. 'Cinnamon buns', on the other hand, is something I would buy and want to have as a nickname. 'Are you Cinnamon Buns?' 'You bet your sweet ass I am.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: I was at the mall the other day, looking for a job / girlfriend / pretzel.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: The worst time to have a heart attack is during a game of charades.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: I like video games, but they're really violent. I'd like to play a video game where you help the people who were shot in all the other games. It'd be called 'Really Busy Hospital.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: If you want to make a mythical creature, just take a regular animal and add wings to it. A horse becomes a pegasus, a lion becomes a griffin, and a hawk... becomes a double hawk.
[cue card of bird with 4 wings saying 'I'm awkward']

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: I like the beach. I like to get there really early before everyone else shows up and take like thirty bottles with notes in them and throw them into the water. Then I wait for everyone to come to the beach and when someone goes to pick up one of the bottles, I go up behind them because when they open it there's a note saying 'I'm standing right behind you.'

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: The digital camera is a great invention because it allows us to reminisce. Instantly.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: I was watching MTV and there were girls dancing in suspended cages. That would be an ambivalent situation: "I'm trapped!... but enjoying the music".

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: I love women, but I feel like you can't trust some of them. Some of them are liars, you know? Like I was in the park and I met this girl, she was cute and she had a dog. And I went up to her, we started talking. She told me her dog's name. Then Í said, "Does he bite?". She said "No." And I said, "Oh yeah? Then how does he eat?... Liar."

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: A quick way to start a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color?" A quick way to end a conversation is to say something like "What's your favorite color... person?"

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: When you have a fat friend there are no see-saws, only catapults.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: Sometimes, when something really great happens to me, I like to wait two weeks before I tell anyone about it, because I like to use the word 'fortnight'.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: I keep a lighter in my back pocket all the time. I'm not a smoker, I just really like certain songs.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: When I was young I was really into sports. But then I realised you could buy trophies. So now I'm good at everything.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: I hate seeing people that look like you. Especially if God's living by the motto 'If at first you don't succeed'.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: I was at a party, and I saw a guy with a leather jacket, and I thought, 'That's cool'. Then I saw a guy with a leather vest and I thought, 'That's not cool'. It was then that I realized what coolness is all about... leather sleeves.
[turns page on drawing pad to reveal the phrase "I OWN LEATHER SLEEVES."]

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: There's a small but important difference between peeing in the pool, and peeing into the pool.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: Dolphins are considered friendly animals, but I bet some of them are real jerks.

--------------------------------------------------------------------------------
Demetri Martin: I bought a dictionary. First thing I did was, I looked up the word "dictionary", and it said "you're an asshole".