Thursday, November 16, 2006

A watched pot

never boils, but neither does a kettle that you forget to turn on...sigh.

Apparently, people are not going hungry anymore according to the Department of Agriculture. The word "hunger" is not scientifically accurate.

The new term is "very low food security".

You can't make this stuff up.

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Celebrity Jeopardy

http://snltranscripts.jt.org/

Alex Trebek: Welcome back to "Celebrity Jeopardy". Before we begin the Double Jeopardy round, I'd like to ask our contestants once again to please refrain from using ethnic slurs. That said, let's take a look at the scores. Sean Connery has set a new "Jeopardy" record with -$230,000.

Sean Connery: You think you're pretty smart, don't you, Trebek? What with your Drago mustache and your greasy hair!

Alex Trebek: Look, what did I just say about ethnic slurs? From "3rd Rock From the Sun", French Stewart in second place with -$17,000.

French Stewart: I'm a late bloomer, Alex, and in Double Jeopardy, I'm gonna bloom!

Alex Trebek: Sure you will. And finally, back again, Burt Reynolds in a commanding lead with $14.

Burt Reynolds: Hey. Hey, ah.. check out the podium. Look at this.

Alex Trebek: Mr. Reynolds has apparently changed his name to Turd Ferguson.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, that's right. Turd Ferguson. It's a funny name.

Alex Trebek: Great. Let's take a look at the final board. And the categories are: "Potent Potables"; "Sharp Things"; "Movies That Start with the Word Jaws"; "A Petit Déjeuner" - that category is about French phrases, so let's just skip it.

Burt Reynolds: Hey, uh, I speak a little French. You're an assbite, pardon my French. [ does a quick laugh ]

French Stewart: My name's French!

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, who gives a damn?

Alex Trebek: Moving on.. "Animal Sounds"; "Condiments"; and finally, "Your Ass or a Hole in the Ground". Mr. Reynolds, unfortunately you're in the lead, so we'll start with you.

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, I'll take the condom thing for, uh.. eight thou.

Alex Trebek: That's "Condiments". For $400. "This condiment is made from mustard seeds". [ Stewart buzzes in ]

French Stewart.French Stewart: The answer, of course, is onions. I'll take "Condiments" for $800, thank you.. [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: That's not the right answer. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: That's not my name.

Alex Trebek: Okay. Turd Ferguson.

Burt Reynolds: [ laughs ] Yeah, what do ya want?

Alex Trebek: You buzzed in!

Burt Reynolds: No I didn't.

Alex Trebek: Yes you did!

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, well, that's your opinion.

Alex Trebek: I hate my job. The answer was "mustard". Mustard is made from mustard seeds. Mr. Reynolds, it's still your board.B

Burt Reynolds: Yeah well, why don't you give me, ah.. why don'tcha give me Ape Tit for $200.

Alex Trebek: It's not "Ape Tit." It's A Petit.. [ shakes head ] ..never mind! Let's just go to "Animal Sounds" for $600. This is the sound a doggy makes. [ Connery buzzes in ] Mr. Connery.

Sean Connery: Moo. [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: No.

Sean Connery: Well, that's the sound your mother made last night! [ laughs ]

Alex Trebek: Okay, that's not necessary. [ Reynolds buzzes in ] Burt Reynolds.

Burt Reynolds: Who is, ah, Scooby Doo? [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: No.

Burt Reynolds: That was a funny dog, Scooby Doo. He drove around in a van and, ah, solved mysteries.

Alex Trebek: That is incorrect.

Burt Reynolds: No, that's correct. I remember he had a pal, Scrappy Doo.

Alex Trebek: No. [ Stewart buzzes in ] French Stewart, the sound a dog makes.

French Stewart: Um.. [ breathes ] ..who is John Caffney and the Beaver Brown Band, thank you very much, I'll take Animal Sounds for $800 please.. [ buzzer sounds ]

Alex Trebek: No! Good Lord! We would've accepted "bow-wow" or "ruff"!

Sean Connery: Ah, ruff. Just the way your mother likes it Trebek!

Alex Trebek: Come on, that's way out of line, but.. [ Reynolds walks up to Trebek wearing a large hat ] Mr. Reynolds, what are you doing?

Burt Reynolds: Ha-ha! Yeah, I found this backstage, an over-sized hat. It's funny.

Alex Trebek: No, it's not!

Burt Reynolds: Sure it is. It's funny. It's funny because it's ah, bigger than, ah.. [ clears throat ] ..you know, a normal hat.

Alex Trebek: Uh, I see that. Get back to your podium.

Burt Reynolds: [ laughs ] Take a look at that!

Alex Trebek: Yeah, I see it. Go back to your podium. [ Reynolds goes back to his podium ] It's not funny. What's going on? Okay, let's just move on to Final Jeopardy. And the category is.. you know what? I tell you what, just write a number. Any number, any number and you win. [ music starts ] We'll accept any number, any number at all.. a one, or a two, or a three, or how about a four? It's that simple, I know you can do this. [ music ends ] Let's start with French Stewart, who's grinning like an idiot. You look pretty sure of yourself. Think you've got the right answer?

French Stewart: Yes, I'm pretty sure of it, Alex.

Alex Trebek: Well, all you had to do was write down a number. And you wrote.. [ shows Stewart's screen ] ..Threeve. A combination of three and five. [ Stewart nods ] Simply stunning. And you wagered.. [ shows his wager ] ..Texas with a dollar sign in front of it. I'm speechless.

French Stewart: No, I did not get the answer from anyone else, it all came from Mr. Stewart's noggin.. [ points at his head ] ..up here.

Alex Trebek: That's beautiful. Mr. Reynolds..

Burt Reynolds: Yeah, don't bother, I didn't write anything.

Alex Trebek: Good work, all right. Finally, Mr. Connery.. the category was Numbers, and you wrote.. [ shows his screen ] ..a letter V. Well, I tell you what, my friend - V is a Roman numeral, so despite your best efforts, you answered correctly. Let's see what you wagered.. [ wager is revealed to use the V as part of a K in "Suck it Trebek" ] "Suck it Trebek". [ Connery laughs wildly ] That's all the time we have. Good night, my.. [ Reynolds places over-sized hat on Trebek's head ] Would you get that off of me? [ pulls it off his own head ][ fade out ]

Dead Parrot Sketch

(From Monty Python)

The cast:
MR. PRALINE John Cleese SHOP OWNER Michael Palin
The sketch:
A customer enters a pet shop.
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, I wish to register a complaint.
(The owner does not respond.)
Mr. Praline: 'Ello, Miss?
Owner: What do you mean "miss"?
Mr. Praline: I'm sorry, I have a cold. I wish to make a complaint!
Owner: We're closin' for lunch.
Mr. Praline: Never mind that, my lad. I wish to complain about this parrot what I purchased not half an hour ago from this very boutique.
Owner: Oh yes, the, uh, the Norwegian Blue...What's,uh...What's wrong with it?
Mr. Praline: I'll tell you what's wrong with it, my lad. 'E's dead, that's what's wrong with it!
Owner: No, no, 'e's uh,...he's resting.
Mr. Praline: Look, matey, I know a dead parrot when I see one, and I'm looking at one right now.
Owner: No no he's not dead, he's, he's restin'! Remarkable bird, the Norwegian Blue, idn'it, ay? Beautiful plumage!
Mr. Praline: The plumage don't enter into it. It's stone dead.
Owner: Nononono, no, no! 'E's resting!
Mr. Praline: All right then, if he's restin', I'll wake him up! (shouting at the cage) 'Ello, Mister Polly Parrot! I've got a lovely fresh cuttle fish for you if you show...
(owner hits the cage)
Owner: There, he moved!
Mr. Praline: No, he didn't, that was you hitting the cage!
Owner: I never!!
Mr. Praline: Yes, you did!
Owner: I never, never did anything...
Mr. Praline: (yelling and hitting the cage repeatedly) 'ELLO POLLY!!!!! Testing! Testing! Testing! Testing! This is your nine o'clock alarm call!
(Takes parrot out of the cage and thumps its head on the counter. Throws it up in the air and watches it plummet to the floor.)
Mr. Praline: Now that's what I call a dead parrot.
Owner: No, no.....No, 'e's stunned!
Mr. Praline: STUNNED?!?
Owner: Yeah! You stunned him, just as he was wakin' up! Norwegian Blues stun easily, major.
Mr. Praline: Um...now look...now look, mate, I've definitely 'ad enough of this. That parrot is definitely deceased, and when I purchased it not 'alf an hour ago, you assured me that its total lack of movement was due to it bein' tired and shagged out following a prolonged squawk.
Owner: Well, he's...he's, ah...probably pining for the fjords.
Mr. Praline: PININ' for the FJORDS?!?!?!? What kind of talk is that?, look, why did he fall flat on his back the moment I got 'im home?
Owner: The Norwegian Blue prefers keepin' on it's back! Remarkable bird, id'nit, squire? Lovely plumage!
Mr. Praline: Look, I took the liberty of examining that parrot when I got it home, and I discovered the only reason that it had been sitting on its perch in the first place was that it had been NAILED there.
(pause)
Owner: Well, o'course it was nailed there! If I hadn't nailed that bird down, it would have nuzzled up to those bars, bent 'em apart with its beak, and VOOM! Feeweeweewee!
Mr. Praline: "VOOM"?!? Mate, this bird wouldn't "voom" if you put four million volts through it! 'E's bleedin' demised!
Owner: No no! 'E's pining!
Mr. Praline: 'E's not pinin'! 'E's passed on! This parrot is no more! He has ceased to be! 'E's expired and gone to meet 'is maker! 'E's a stiff! Bereft of life, 'e rests in peace! If you hadn't nailed 'im to the perch 'e'd be pushing up the daisies! 'Is metabolic processes are now 'istory! 'E's off the twig! 'E's kicked the bucket, 'e's shuffled off 'is mortal coil, run down the curtain and joined the bleedin' choir invisibile!! THIS IS AN EX-PARROT!!
(pause)
Owner: Well, I'd better replace it, then. (he takes a quick peek behind the counter) Sorry squire, I've had a look 'round the back of the shop, and uh, we're right out of parrots.
Mr. Praline: I see. I see, I get the picture.
Owner: I got a slug.
(pause)
Mr. Praline: Pray, does it talk?
Owner: Nnnnot really.
Mr. Praline: WELL IT'S HARDLY A BLOODY REPLACEMENT, IS IT?!!???!!?
Owner: N-no, I guess not. (gets ashamed, looks at his feet)
Mr. Praline: Well.
(pause)
Owner: (quietly) D'you.... d'you want to come back to my place?
Mr. Praline: (looks around) Yeah, all right, sure.

Pete Schweddy

Pete Schweddy (from SNL)

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hello. I'm Margaret Jo McCullen.

Lynn Vershad: And I'm Lynn Vershad.

Together: And you're lsitening to.. The Delicious Dish.. on National Public Radio.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, listeners, don't adjsut your radio sets, you heard right. Teri Rialto has left to persue her dream of opening up a yogurt factory. We're real proud of her, and we're going to miss her. But we have a new co-host here on the Delicious Dish, and she's a real firecracker. Say hi, Lynn.

Lynn Vershad: [ shyly ] Hi.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, those of you listening in northeast Minnesota already know Lynn, from her last show "Use Your Noodle". Such a groundbreaking show, Lynn, I loved it.
Lynn Vershad: Oh, thank you.

Margaret Jo McCullen: You're welcome.

Lynn Vershad: You know, Wayzana Tribune called it the "most innovative public-supporterd pasta-related radio cooking show since Get Ready, Get Set, Spaghetti!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Absolutely, ditto to that, we were really lucky to steal you away, Lynn!

Lynn Vershad: Well, I really felt like I had taken pasta as far as it would go.

Margaret Jo McCullen: I know what you mean. I got so burned out on dried figs in the late 80's, that I've never ogne back.

Lynn Vershad: I'm so, so sorry.

Margaret Jo McCullen: It's okay. It's neat.

Lynn Vershad: Fun, yeah.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Good times. Dried fruit.

Lynn Vershad: Yeah. Well, M.J., Spring has sprung, and that mean the return of the great American pasttime - baseball.

Margaret Jo McCullen: And, of course, no baseball season would be complete without the culinary traditions of the ballpark.

Lynn Vershad: Mmm, that's right, M.J. And joining us to talk about them is someone whom I understand is an old friend of the Delicious Dish - Mr. Pete Scweddy. [ Pete takes his seat behind the microphone ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Hi, Pete. Welcome back. Pete Schweddy: Hi, there.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, Pete, I hear that the only thing you love more than cooking, is the great game of baseball.

Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes. Sometimes, when I'm in the stands, I get so fired up and out of control, I've been known to boo the other team.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Ooh.. I'd want to steer clear of that. Pete Schweddy: For sure.

Lynn Vershad: Now, Pete, you've gained quite a reputation as the king of stadium-cooked cuisine.

Pete Schweddy: That's right. I'm proud to say I've won great acclaim for my takes on popcorn, crackerjacks, and pretzel bread. But I think what I am most known for is my weiner.

Margaret Jo McCullen: your weiner. Wow. You don't say. Pete Schweddy: I sure do. Would you like to see it?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Please. Please. [ Pete pulls out a tray of weiners ] Wow..

Pete Schweddy: Is that some weiner, or what?

Margaret Jo McCullen: Yeah, it's a doozy, Pete.

Lynn Vershad: Now, is that a foot-long, or..?

Pete Schweddy: [ chuckles ] You flatter me!

Margaret Jo McCullen: I have to say, Pete, that's a very thick one, too.

Pete Schweddy: I'd have to say it's almost as thick as it is long.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Now, I can smell your wiener from here.

Pete Schweddy: Well, that is thanks to the Schweddy Family recipe. There's no escaping the aroma of a Schweddy Family weiner.

Lynn Vershad: It, um.. it really does glistne, doesn't it?

Pete Schweddy: Uh, yeah, it's the weiners folks can't seem to keep out of their mouthes.

Lynn Vershad: Well, then I bet it's a big hit with the kids.

Pete Schweddy: Oh, yes, indeed. There's nothing quite like the look on a child's face the moment he gets a hold of his own Schweddy weiner. [ call lines start to light up ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Lynn. the switchboard's really lighting up! We'll take your calls in a moment. But, first, I want to get my mouth around that weiner!

Pete Schweddy: Be my guest. Both of you ladies please have a go at it. [ Margaret Jo and Lynn grab a Schweddy weiner ]

Lynn Vershad: Hmm.. I'm not sure I can handle this much meat..

Pete Schweddy: Well, you really don't have to put the whole thing in your mouth at once.

Lynn Vershad: Maybe we can cut it half?

Pete Schweddy: I'd rather you didn't!

Margaret Jo McCullen: Wow, Pete, this peiner.. [ stifles her laughter ] A little verbal diarrhea.. This weiner's so plump and firm. The weiners I'm accustomed to are usually wrinkled and grey. The phones are relaly going crazy - is it okay if we take a call?

Pete Schweddy: Oh, be my guest.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Okay. [ presses call button ] Delicious Dish. You're on the air.

Lynn Vershad: Do you have a question for Pete Schweddy?

Caller: [ breathing heavily ] Yeah! Tell me about your weiner, Pete!

Pete Schweddy: Well, what would you like to know?

Caller: Do you touch it!

Pete Schweddy: Well, sure, I'm very hands-on with the famous Schweddy weiner. Caller: Are you touching it now!

Pete Schweddy: Uh.. no, I'm not. The ladies are enjoying my weiner right now, actually. Any other waurions?

Caller: [ moans exuberantly ] Nooooooo, I'm all done..! Thanks..! [ hangs up ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, thanks for calling.

Lynn Vershad: [ eating the weiner ] Mmm.. I just can't keep your weiner out of my mouth.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Mmm-mmm.. it's delicious!

Lynn Vershad: [ starts choking on the weiner ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: Uh-oh! Uh-oh!

Pete Schweddy: What's wrong?

Margaret Jo McCullen: I think Lynn's gagging on your weiner..

Pete Schweddy: Bend her over! Ben her over!

Margaret Jo McCullen: [ pushes Lynn forward ] Just relax your throat, Lynn! Just relax!

Pete Schweddy: [ pats Lynn's back ] Let it slide out. [ Lynn cough the weiner out of her throat ]

Margaret Jo McCullen: You alright?

Lynn Vershad: Boy.. that was scary for a minute.. but.. if I had to gag on a weiner, I'm glad it was yours, Pete.

Pete Schweddy: Well, I'm glad my Schwddy weiner didn't disappoint you.

Margaret Jo McCullen: Well, that's all the time we have here on the Delicious Dish. Join us next week, when our guest will be..

Together: Freddie S. and his Donut Holes!

Top Ten Rejected Titles For "Brokeback Mountain"

Top Ten Rejected Titles For "Brokeback Mountain" (from the only part of letterman worth watching)
10. "Not-That-There's-Anything-Wrong-With-That Mountain"
9. "How The West Was Hung"
8. "Little Bathhouse on the Prairie"
7. "For a Few Dollars More We Can Make It a Threesome"
6. "Go West, Young Man...Now South...A Little More To The South...Oh God, Yes! Right There!"
5. "Clint Eastwood's Nightmare"
4. "The Good, The Bad and the Fabulous!"
3. "Broke My Back Mounting Him"
2. "Oklahomo"
1. "Fun With Dick In James"